Some events call for multiples of gifts, whether as a thank you for coming or as part of the event itself. In general, consumables are a good idea, although if it's food you do need to be considerate of allergies and other dietary restrictions. If you're aiming for more of a keepsake, small is best. You'll need to take into consideration your budget, your audience, and your time.
CONSUMABLES
I have literally dozens of aunts, uncles, and cousins, and I see many of them during the holidays. Buying them all individual gifts would bankrupt me, and making the same by hand would take all year (not to mention the cost of supplies). Instead, I bake three or four varieties of cookies, double or triple batches of each. Each family gets a bag of cookies from me without my needing to take out a loan or spend more than part of a few days baking. Some of them give bags of their own homemade cookies, breads, candies, or jams. Other people I know make vanilla extract (this takes a few months; plan ahead), brownies, fudge, snack mixes, home-brewed beer or other alcohol, small cakes, applesauce, nut butters, spaghetti sauce, spice mixes, home-roasted coffee beans, and even honey from their beehives. You can also put together dry ingredients for baked goods. And of course, there are myriad store bought food treats, often ones made locally.
You do have to be mindful of dietary restrictions. For example, one of my cousins is allergic to peanuts, so I don't add peanuts to any cookies and I don't make peanut butter cookies (for her, other nuts are fine so I can still use almond extract or other nuts). If you don't know the recipients well, in the case of an office party for example, food might not be best. You also need to be sure whatever you give will be okay without refrigeration for at least a few hours. One way around potential food restrictions for a crowd is something like a candy bar. When my brother got married, the wedding favors were organza bags we could fill with our choice of a variety of his and my sister-in-law's favorite candies. At a different wedding, the candy bar was every kind of blue candy the bride and groom could find, as the wedding colors were navy and sky blue. Both times the treats were great for the plane ride home.
Some events give away plants and seeds. While not quite consumable, these are fun for those who have the space to grow them. They're also easy to tailor to the occasion: pots painted in seasonal colors, some of the same flowers as in the wedding bouquets, plants that represent the occasion, that sort of thing.
Other consumables include candles, soap, lotion, sugar scrubs, lip balm, and stationery. As with food gifts, any of these can be store bought or handmade, and you need to be aware of allergies. They don't need to be fancy either, especially if your recipients are more practical. Some years my grandparents have given us simple toiletries like shampoo and shaving cream (with some cash, being grandparents) and it always gets used.
GIFT CARDS
If you have the budget, gift cards in $5-10 denominations are good. The standard is coffee shops, but you don't need to limit yourselves to that. Bakeries, specialty grocery stores, online music services, ice cream stores--as long as your recipients can actually get something for $5 or $10, it can work. One Christmas, a cousin of mine passed out Redbox gift cards with packets of microwave popcorn.
If you know your recipients would appreciate donations given in their names, you can also pass out notes acknowledging such. One wedding I attended recently had notecards at each table setting stating that in lieu of wedding favors the bride and groom, who had both lost their mothers to cancer, had made a donation to the American Cancer Society. Especially with as extravagant as the wedding and reception was, I thought the donation was far more touching than wedding favor to take home.
KEEPSAKES AND TOKENS
There are a variety of choices for small gifts, some better than others. The issue with gifts meant to be kept is that it's impossible to cater to everyone's tastes. With consumables, people who get something they don't like don't feel as obligated to keep it.
Christmas ornaments are an obvious choice for Christmas parties, and most people aren't too selective about what goes on their trees. Other decorative or household items can be more versatile, like prisms or sun catchers, paper weights, drink coasters, fridge magnets, pins, kitchen accessories, and knick-knacks. Some of these can be handmade, like knit washcloths, sewn hot pads, etched glass coasters, and so on.
If the event is for a specific activity, it's easier to pick out an appropriate favor. For example, a sewing club party could pass out sewing notions; a garden club might give away plant starts.
For kids' birthday parties, the usual fare seems to be a bag of small plastic toys. I'm not a fan of those myself, as my kids have too many of those already. Goody bags we've found easier to enjoy include more useful items like pencils or other school supplies, a single larger toy, treats like a few cookies or some candy from a piñata, or things that get used up like bubbles and stickers. But don't feel limited to those; feel free to be creative. My brother's birthday is Halloween, so every year his party guests would trick-or-treat. Our parents figured the kids didn't need more candy, especially since they also got birthday cake...so the party favors were toothbrushes and floss!
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Gifts for: the Grieving
When someone you know is mourning the loss of a loved one, you probably feel compelled to do something to show that you care. Here are some pointers and ideas.
DONT'S
Unless the person grieving says them first, there are certain platitudes to avoid. While well-meaning, many of these can cause more hurt. Saying that it's all part of a higher power's plan isn't comforting to a lot of people, nor is waxing poetic about Heaven needing an angel or the deceased being in a better place. Again, if the person suffering the loss finds comfort in these thoughts, there's nothing wrong with that--just let the person who's hurting make the decision to voice thoughts like these that might seem dismissive to the pain they're feeling if said at the wrong time.
Sometimes the deceased may not have been a nice person, or might have had a complicated relationship with the surviving friends and family. Or maybe the relationship was simply distant. Don't insist people should grieve in any certain way. For example, while I was very close to my grandfather and still feel his absence sharply three years later, I have friends who were not so close with their grandfathers. I don't tell them they should react the same way I did. I let them dictate how they should mourn.
For contentious or abusive relationships, there may even be relief on the part of the surviving family and acquaintances. Again, the people closest to the loss get to decide how to process the death. Don't chastise them for not seeming to be mourning "properly."
On the other hand, it's generally not your place to tell people they're grieving too much. As long as a person can grieve without causing harm to self or others, it's not appropriate to do more than offer a sympathetic ear and help if needed. If you are concerned about harm, then you can gently suggest counseling or other services as needed (less gently if serious harm is imminent, of course).
CARDS, FLOWERS, AND DONATIONS
These are the most common things to send following a death. Cards are a great way to show that you care, and can be sent at any time--don't worry about "reminding" the grieving of the loss; the grieving won't have forgotten.
Flowers are usually a good idea, unless people specifically ask for no flowers. Just be aware of allergies and people's ability to care for the flowers. A shrub meant to be planted outside won't work for apartment dwellers, and houseplants that need frequent watering aren't a good idea for people whose jobs require them to be gone often on business trips. But if issues like this aren't a concern, then colorful bouquet can be a bright spot to show the grieving that others care about the loss.
Often, the survivors will request donations in lieu of flowers. Donations generally go to causes important to the deceased. If no specific causes are mentioned and you still want to make a donation, you can usually figure out appropriate organizations based on what you know of the deceased. For example, groups that research cures and treatments for the illness a person died from, charitable funds for the hospital that treated the deceased (these cover expenses that patients can't afford), or groups a person volunteered for in life. Some charitable organizations have controversial political views, so if you're unsure, ask the grieving person if a memory donation to a certain place is appropriate.
FOOD AND OTHER HOUSEHOLD HELP
Another common thing for people to offering those in mourning is food. When people are trying to organize a funeral, notify various agencies of the death, and figuring out their new normal (especially if the deceased was a member of the household), not having to think about dinner is a blessing. Consider allergies and other dietary restrictions if making food, and arrange to bring it in a container you don't want back (dollar stores are good places to find cheap plastic containers). It's also thoughtful to supply disposable plates and utensils, or offer to help wash the dishes.
You can also give gift cards to restaurants, especially ones that offer takeout and delivery. Depending on the situation, you might even consider setting up a meal schedule, with several people dropping off food over a few weeks. There are websites available to help schedule and remind people.
You can also offer to help with mundane life tasks. Maybe grief has made doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, getting an oil change, or mopping the floor insurmountable. Offering specific help is good here. If you're visiting a person in mourning and notice a task you can do, ask about it directly: "Can I unload the dishwasher for you?" rather than "Let me know if I can help with anything." Offering this way makes it easier for people to accept help.
Other tasks that might need doing include notify others about the death. You can offer to make phone calls that might be too hard for the bereaved. If the grieving person attends a church that offers prayers for the repose of the dead (Catholic churches do this during the Universal Prayers at mass), you can get in touch with the church's secretary to have the deceased added to those prayers.
If you are close the the surviving friends or family but not the deceased, or if the funeral is private, it might not be appropriate for you to attend the funeral. One thing you can offer instead is to watch an empty home of someone who is attending. Unfortunately, it's not unheard of for some people to search obituaries specifically to target empty homes for burglary.
CREATING MEMORIES
If you have a creative streak, you can offer your talents to help people process their grief. This can be especially helpful to help young children grieve, and for helping set up a funeral. Maybe the deceased's clothing can be made into a sewn quilt, throw pillow, or teddy bear for the mourning; or a necklace made into earrings or Christmas ornaments for several people. Perhaps you can paint a portrait, write a poem, make a collage or photo album. If you have musical skill, considering offering to play an instrument or sing at the memorial service. Maybe your talent in the garden can help with floral arrangements for the funeral, or your prowess in the kitchen can aid with a wake or reception.
You don't need to make a masterpiece to record memories. Even a letter recalling a special memory of the deceased would be treasured.
REMEMBERING
Perhaps the most painful thing about losing a loved one is the thought that others will forget the deceased, more so if the person died young. Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased unless you've been asked not to. Most people are comforted by discussing those they've lost; they don't forget the pain so mentioning a person who's passed doesn't suddenly "remind" anyone.
Think about various dates throughout the first year after a loss, and reach out when the bereaved might need some extra support. The deceased's birthday, Mother's or Father's Day, the anniversary of the death, holidays the grieving person used to celebrate with the deceased, for example. A quick email, phone call, text, or email with a memory of the deceased or even a "thinking of you" can mean a lot. If you see something that reminds you of the deceased, don't hesitate to let the grieving know. Hearing that you still think of their loved ones is a great comfort.
DONT'S
Unless the person grieving says them first, there are certain platitudes to avoid. While well-meaning, many of these can cause more hurt. Saying that it's all part of a higher power's plan isn't comforting to a lot of people, nor is waxing poetic about Heaven needing an angel or the deceased being in a better place. Again, if the person suffering the loss finds comfort in these thoughts, there's nothing wrong with that--just let the person who's hurting make the decision to voice thoughts like these that might seem dismissive to the pain they're feeling if said at the wrong time.
Sometimes the deceased may not have been a nice person, or might have had a complicated relationship with the surviving friends and family. Or maybe the relationship was simply distant. Don't insist people should grieve in any certain way. For example, while I was very close to my grandfather and still feel his absence sharply three years later, I have friends who were not so close with their grandfathers. I don't tell them they should react the same way I did. I let them dictate how they should mourn.
For contentious or abusive relationships, there may even be relief on the part of the surviving family and acquaintances. Again, the people closest to the loss get to decide how to process the death. Don't chastise them for not seeming to be mourning "properly."
On the other hand, it's generally not your place to tell people they're grieving too much. As long as a person can grieve without causing harm to self or others, it's not appropriate to do more than offer a sympathetic ear and help if needed. If you are concerned about harm, then you can gently suggest counseling or other services as needed (less gently if serious harm is imminent, of course).
CARDS, FLOWERS, AND DONATIONS
These are the most common things to send following a death. Cards are a great way to show that you care, and can be sent at any time--don't worry about "reminding" the grieving of the loss; the grieving won't have forgotten.
Flowers are usually a good idea, unless people specifically ask for no flowers. Just be aware of allergies and people's ability to care for the flowers. A shrub meant to be planted outside won't work for apartment dwellers, and houseplants that need frequent watering aren't a good idea for people whose jobs require them to be gone often on business trips. But if issues like this aren't a concern, then colorful bouquet can be a bright spot to show the grieving that others care about the loss.
Often, the survivors will request donations in lieu of flowers. Donations generally go to causes important to the deceased. If no specific causes are mentioned and you still want to make a donation, you can usually figure out appropriate organizations based on what you know of the deceased. For example, groups that research cures and treatments for the illness a person died from, charitable funds for the hospital that treated the deceased (these cover expenses that patients can't afford), or groups a person volunteered for in life. Some charitable organizations have controversial political views, so if you're unsure, ask the grieving person if a memory donation to a certain place is appropriate.
FOOD AND OTHER HOUSEHOLD HELP
Another common thing for people to offering those in mourning is food. When people are trying to organize a funeral, notify various agencies of the death, and figuring out their new normal (especially if the deceased was a member of the household), not having to think about dinner is a blessing. Consider allergies and other dietary restrictions if making food, and arrange to bring it in a container you don't want back (dollar stores are good places to find cheap plastic containers). It's also thoughtful to supply disposable plates and utensils, or offer to help wash the dishes.
You can also give gift cards to restaurants, especially ones that offer takeout and delivery. Depending on the situation, you might even consider setting up a meal schedule, with several people dropping off food over a few weeks. There are websites available to help schedule and remind people.
You can also offer to help with mundane life tasks. Maybe grief has made doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, getting an oil change, or mopping the floor insurmountable. Offering specific help is good here. If you're visiting a person in mourning and notice a task you can do, ask about it directly: "Can I unload the dishwasher for you?" rather than "Let me know if I can help with anything." Offering this way makes it easier for people to accept help.
Other tasks that might need doing include notify others about the death. You can offer to make phone calls that might be too hard for the bereaved. If the grieving person attends a church that offers prayers for the repose of the dead (Catholic churches do this during the Universal Prayers at mass), you can get in touch with the church's secretary to have the deceased added to those prayers.
If you are close the the surviving friends or family but not the deceased, or if the funeral is private, it might not be appropriate for you to attend the funeral. One thing you can offer instead is to watch an empty home of someone who is attending. Unfortunately, it's not unheard of for some people to search obituaries specifically to target empty homes for burglary.
CREATING MEMORIES
If you have a creative streak, you can offer your talents to help people process their grief. This can be especially helpful to help young children grieve, and for helping set up a funeral. Maybe the deceased's clothing can be made into a sewn quilt, throw pillow, or teddy bear for the mourning; or a necklace made into earrings or Christmas ornaments for several people. Perhaps you can paint a portrait, write a poem, make a collage or photo album. If you have musical skill, considering offering to play an instrument or sing at the memorial service. Maybe your talent in the garden can help with floral arrangements for the funeral, or your prowess in the kitchen can aid with a wake or reception.
You don't need to make a masterpiece to record memories. Even a letter recalling a special memory of the deceased would be treasured.
REMEMBERING
Perhaps the most painful thing about losing a loved one is the thought that others will forget the deceased, more so if the person died young. Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased unless you've been asked not to. Most people are comforted by discussing those they've lost; they don't forget the pain so mentioning a person who's passed doesn't suddenly "remind" anyone.
Think about various dates throughout the first year after a loss, and reach out when the bereaved might need some extra support. The deceased's birthday, Mother's or Father's Day, the anniversary of the death, holidays the grieving person used to celebrate with the deceased, for example. A quick email, phone call, text, or email with a memory of the deceased or even a "thinking of you" can mean a lot. If you see something that reminds you of the deceased, don't hesitate to let the grieving know. Hearing that you still think of their loved ones is a great comfort.
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