When someone you know is mourning the loss of a loved one, you probably feel compelled to do something to show that you care. Here are some pointers and ideas.
DONT'S
Unless the person grieving says them first, there are certain platitudes to avoid. While well-meaning, many of these can cause more hurt. Saying that it's all part of a higher power's plan isn't comforting to a lot of people, nor is waxing poetic about Heaven needing an angel or the deceased being in a better place. Again, if the person suffering the loss finds comfort in these thoughts, there's nothing wrong with that--just let the person who's hurting make the decision to voice thoughts like these that might seem dismissive to the pain they're feeling if said at the wrong time.
Sometimes the deceased may not have been a nice person, or might have had a complicated relationship with the surviving friends and family. Or maybe the relationship was simply distant. Don't insist people should grieve in any certain way. For example, while I was very close to my grandfather and still feel his absence sharply three years later, I have friends who were not so close with their grandfathers. I don't tell them they should react the same way I did. I let them dictate how they should mourn.
For contentious or abusive relationships, there may even be relief on the part of the surviving family and acquaintances. Again, the people closest to the loss get to decide how to process the death. Don't chastise them for not seeming to be mourning "properly."
On the other hand, it's generally not your place to tell people they're grieving too much. As long as a person can grieve without causing harm to self or others, it's not appropriate to do more than offer a sympathetic ear and help if needed. If you are concerned about harm, then you can gently suggest counseling or other services as needed (less gently if serious harm is imminent, of course).
CARDS, FLOWERS, AND DONATIONS
These are the most common things to send following a death. Cards are a great way to show that you care, and can be sent at any time--don't worry about "reminding" the grieving of the loss; the grieving won't have forgotten.
Flowers are usually a good idea, unless people specifically ask for no flowers. Just be aware of allergies and people's ability to care for the flowers. A shrub meant to be planted outside won't work for apartment dwellers, and houseplants that need frequent watering aren't a good idea for people whose jobs require them to be gone often on business trips. But if issues like this aren't a concern, then colorful bouquet can be a bright spot to show the grieving that others care about the loss.
Often, the survivors will request donations in lieu of flowers. Donations generally go to causes important to the deceased. If no specific causes are mentioned and you still want to make a donation, you can usually figure out appropriate organizations based on what you know of the deceased. For example, groups that research cures and treatments for the illness a person died from, charitable funds for the hospital that treated the deceased (these cover expenses that patients can't afford), or groups a person volunteered for in life. Some charitable organizations have controversial political views, so if you're unsure, ask the grieving person if a memory donation to a certain place is appropriate.
FOOD AND OTHER HOUSEHOLD HELP
Another common thing for people to offering those in mourning is food. When people are trying to organize a funeral, notify various agencies of the death, and figuring out their new normal (especially if the deceased was a member of the household), not having to think about dinner is a blessing. Consider allergies and other dietary restrictions if making food, and arrange to bring it in a container you don't want back (dollar stores are good places to find cheap plastic containers). It's also thoughtful to supply disposable plates and utensils, or offer to help wash the dishes.
You can also give gift cards to restaurants, especially ones that offer takeout and delivery. Depending on the situation, you might even consider setting up a meal schedule, with several people dropping off food over a few weeks. There are websites available to help schedule and remind people.
You can also offer to help with mundane life tasks. Maybe grief has made doing the laundry, cleaning the bathroom, getting an oil change, or mopping the floor insurmountable. Offering specific help is good here. If you're visiting a person in mourning and notice a task you can do, ask about it directly: "Can I unload the dishwasher for you?" rather than "Let me know if I can help with anything." Offering this way makes it easier for people to accept help.
Other tasks that might need doing include notify others about the death. You can offer to make phone calls that might be too hard for the bereaved. If the grieving person attends a church that offers prayers for the repose of the dead (Catholic churches do this during the Universal Prayers at mass), you can get in touch with the church's secretary to have the deceased added to those prayers.
If you are close the the surviving friends or family but not the deceased, or if the funeral is private, it might not be appropriate for you to attend the funeral. One thing you can offer instead is to watch an empty home of someone who is attending. Unfortunately, it's not unheard of for some people to search obituaries specifically to target empty homes for burglary.
CREATING MEMORIES
If you have a creative streak, you can offer your talents to help people process their grief. This can be especially helpful to help young children grieve, and for helping set up a funeral. Maybe the deceased's clothing can be made into a sewn quilt, throw pillow, or teddy bear for the mourning; or a necklace made into earrings or Christmas ornaments for several people. Perhaps you can paint a portrait, write a poem, make a collage or photo album. If you have musical skill, considering offering to play an instrument or sing at the memorial service. Maybe your talent in the garden can help with floral arrangements for the funeral, or your prowess in the kitchen can aid with a wake or reception.
You don't need to make a masterpiece to record memories. Even a letter recalling a special memory of the deceased would be treasured.
REMEMBERING
Perhaps the most painful thing about losing a loved one is the thought that others will forget the deceased, more so if the person died young. Don't be afraid to talk about the deceased unless you've been asked not to. Most people are comforted by discussing those they've lost; they don't forget the pain so mentioning a person who's passed doesn't suddenly "remind" anyone.
Think about various dates throughout the first year after a loss, and reach out when the bereaved might need some extra support. The deceased's birthday, Mother's or Father's Day, the anniversary of the death, holidays the grieving person used to celebrate with the deceased, for example. A quick email, phone call, text, or email with a memory of the deceased or even a "thinking of you" can mean a lot. If you see something that reminds you of the deceased, don't hesitate to let the grieving know. Hearing that you still think of their loved ones is a great comfort.
No comments:
Post a Comment